keep a sinister smile.

…and a hole in my heart.

Ugh. I am such a failure. I keep eating and eating and eating.
My mouth is like a black hole.
And it’s not like I enjoy it, either.
My body aches from too much food.
My throat hurts. Me is just wanting to get rid of it all.
And I don’t want to throw it up.
I’m almost back up to 200 pounds. And 3 days ago I was at 192. I was so close.
I could be thin.

Ugh. Why am I so bad at everything I do?
And now I’m beginning to think that I’m developing insomnia or something.
I just want these bruises to heal and then I’ll be on my way.
Every day I battle the urge not to eat everything I can get my hands on.
I’ve been losing this battle. And I hate the feeling.

But in other news, I hung out with AM last night.
He’s so nice. Even though most people would never guess it.
I may have gotten him a job. I really hope he gets hired,
because if he doesn’t get a job by the end of this week
he’s getting kicked out of his house.
So. Yeah. Anyway, I think we had a pretty nice time last night.
I ate like a pig. I had such horrible cravings. And I can’t even really go running today.
The weather is so horrid. But. I want to go anyway. I need to lose weight.
I must. I must. I have to. I need to.