all I have to give.

SO. School starts monday and I am absolutely screwed.

I still have about 20 hours worth of work to do and one day to do it.
However, tomorrow, I have work for 7.5 hours. And. Just wow.

I don’t know I don’t know.

I am so worried and anxious.

gotta spend some time, love.

Hey thereee!

Wow. I am not consistent with this blog at alll. But I’m not ever really consistent with stuff. I’m just glad I still update this every once in a while. =]

Anyway, AZ and NM aren’t talking to each other over this bitch Christine.
But AZ is still cool with me I guess.
Anyway, I’m back at my lowest weight. I lost like 9 pounds in 3 days when I was sick! Hooray! And I’m going to try and keep this up!

I also got a new haircut. It cost only $6.50 and looks super cute.

I also bought new jeans today. I’m now a size 12L at Gap! Hooray for that. Today was just an overall spiffy day. More days should be like this.
Well, I still need to clean my room and do my summerwork, but still. I’ll stress about all that later.

Nice updating with you alll. =]

trying to maintain but i’m struggling.

everything has been going pretty good.
My eating habits have even changed. For the better.
I think anyone would agree.
I don’t eat at night any more.
Nothing to binge on besides trail mix, nuts, cereal, and veggies.
So I just don’t do it anymore. Good, right?
Plus, I’ve still been hanging out with AM and AZ, and their friends of course.

I’m nervous about tomorrow. I forgot that I had to take a class for school.
And we have to outline a chapter that I haven’t even started on yet.
So. Fuck me. Ugh. I’ll be bullshitting that thing soooo badly.

I’m really tired, too. Goodnight.

i think about you daily.

Once again, I’m back  up to around 200.

Yesterday I was out with KJ and she told me that her friends called me fat
so now I have new motivation lose weight.
I need to clean my room, but I’m feeling a bit doozy today.
I don’t really understand why, though, because I had a banana and I’m drinking water.
Whatever, though. Some slight dizziness won’t stop me from walking to NM’s house
or from doing whatever I want. I’ve had worse.
Today is the second day in a row that I haven’t gone to running camp.
I really really don’t want to go tomorrow.
Because I don’t have any donation things. I feel bad, but I don’t have anyone to sell it to!
So if I do wake up on time, I’ll just go running by myself.

I’ve been hanging out with NM, AM, and AZ a lot. Well, not a lot. But for the past couple of days we’ve been hanging out. I dunno. But I like hanging out with them. They’re funnn. And I realized that I really am over AM and I never really liked AZ. How do I know? No butterflies in my stomach. Hah.

Okay, I’m off now. Hanging out with NM first and then AM is picking us up or coming over or something. I don’t know.

Peace. <3

but for now, my head is in the clouds.

Today may have been the happiest I have been since spring break.

Which is amazing.
I love AZ, and NM, and MB, and AZ’s friends.
If every day was like this, I wouldn’t be depressed.

keep a sinister smile.

…and a hole in my heart.

Ugh. I am such a failure. I keep eating and eating and eating.
My mouth is like a black hole.
And it’s not like I enjoy it, either.
My body aches from too much food.
My throat hurts. Me is just wanting to get rid of it all.
And I don’t want to throw it up.
I’m almost back up to 200 pounds. And 3 days ago I was at 192. I was so close.
I could be thin.

Ugh. Why am I so bad at everything I do?
And now I’m beginning to think that I’m developing insomnia or something.
I just want these bruises to heal and then I’ll be on my way.
Every day I battle the urge not to eat everything I can get my hands on.
I’ve been losing this battle. And I hate the feeling.

But in other news, I hung out with AM last night.
He’s so nice. Even though most people would never guess it.
I may have gotten him a job. I really hope he gets hired,
because if he doesn’t get a job by the end of this week
he’s getting kicked out of his house.
So. Yeah. Anyway, I think we had a pretty nice time last night.
I ate like a pig. I had such horrible cravings. And I can’t even really go running today.
The weather is so horrid. But. I want to go anyway. I need to lose weight.
I must. I must. I have to. I need to.

mothers.

Ugh. My mother is ON MY CASE about eating.
This totally sucks.
If I gain back the weight I lost, I will be PISSED.
I’m already pissed.
I am pretty sure that my sister told her something.
That cunt.

Anyway, everything’s been pretty good lately.
I don’t have anything too eventful to talk about.
Besides the fact that TC (my best friend from the spring break cruise) is coming to Chicago soon!
I am beyond excited.

Peace out.

i used to be such a good good swimmer.

Today was fabulous.

I didn’t get to run as much as I wanted at camp.
And it was still hard to run, again, but definitely better than yesterday.
And then, I had like… 800 calories.

It’s not a thousand, like what I was aiming for, but it’s good enough.
Tomorrow we’re going downtown for running camp
and I don’t really want to go.
Because even though all the girls aren’t perfectly thin, they are still so skinny and beautiful.
And everyone always goes in the water.
And I don’t know. I just… don’t want to.
I’m not ready yet.
I promise to myself to go on the last week of camp.
If I’m still going to camp by then.
I really hope I am.
=/
Anyway, I have only felt that stomach-grumbling type of hunger once today.
And it’s bothering me.

Today I hung out with NM and AM. And his best friend. Whose initials are AZ. I learned that today. =]
AZ is so funny. And I’m pretty sure
that when we were hugging goodbye, he made me hug him twice, and tighter the second time,
just to feel my boobs.
Ahaha. Whatever. I don’t really care.

OH. DID YOU KNOW. THAT MY SISTER HAS BIGGER BOOBS THAN I DO?
What the hell. I’m the older sister. I should have the bigger boobs. Fuck herrr!

And. My parents are coming home tomorrow night.
I’m excited, but also scared….
Hopefully everything will be ok with the car.

oh my god.

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD.

My mom will use my car now all the time.
I WON’T HAVE MY BABY.

Ughhhh. FUCK.

fuck my life.

Ugh. What the fuck.
I had like 3000+ calories today.

I feel like such a failure.
Tomorrow will be better.
I just want to be thin. Is that too much to ask for?
No way am I gaining back what I just lost this week.
It’s just not happening.

I’ll start purging again.
Actually, today I did.
It was easy because I had a lot of water while I was eating.

on the edge of safe.

So. Besides getting a speeding ticket, I also crashed my mom’s car.
It was right after I dropped her and dad off at the airport.
Pretty swell, huh?
I’m going to be paying a lottttt of money.

Anyway. Ever since my last post, I’ve lost 9 pounds! Yayyy! I am beyond happy.
Although, I can’t wait to lose even more.
And I’m getting tired. And… I have less energy and I sleep more,
but it’s worth it if I get to be thinner.
Definitely.
And I’ve still been hanging out with people. And. Life’s been pretty good.
Nothing too eventful.
I just realized that school starts in a month and I’m not even close to having my summer work done.
So maybe I’ll do that tonight if no one wants to hang out.

That’s about it.
Friendship fest is coming up. So is AM’s best friend’s birthday. And MS’s sister’s bridal shower. And MD’s birthday.
Should be a fun rest of summer, if the court isn’t too shitty.

That’s all for now. =]
I’ll try to keep you updated. I know I suck at this stuff.